I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
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