I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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