Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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