my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
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You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
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You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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