cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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