I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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