Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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