the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
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They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
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its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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