What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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