Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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