Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
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she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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