a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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