I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize