I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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