please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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