we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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