Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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