he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
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So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
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I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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