i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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