How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
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I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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