chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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