Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
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She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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