meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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