why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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