Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
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If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
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We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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