I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize