On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
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Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
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The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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