I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
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Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
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The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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