what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
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I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
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That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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