Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
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Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
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I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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