I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
