The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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