My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
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She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
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Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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