Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize