a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
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Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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