Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
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i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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