no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I want to be your penis for a week.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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