im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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