I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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