I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
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I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
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I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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