Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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