upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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