and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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