Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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