Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
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It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
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Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
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