Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
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You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
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Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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