Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I currently don't understand fingers.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize