i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This is classic penis vs brain.
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Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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