Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
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the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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