Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
As shirtless as possible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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